MY blood pressure drives me nuts!! These last couple of weeks have been crazy!! When is life going to slow down? Well I forgot to take my BP meds on Friday and Saturday, I had been feeling funny but I thought it was from being so stressed and super busy. Well I took my BP on Saturday night and it was high!! SHeSH!!!!!!!!! I am trying to get off my BP meds, they are a constant reminder of why I am on them everyday!! Chill the dr would say, Oh ya so easy. Oh well? Well justin and kashlee both had there piano and dance recital. I just love these kids! They sure keep me busy, and I wouldnt have it any other way.

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May

So May is here.
I wasn't sure how I would feel about May. May has been on my mind since August. May Day everyone called it, I had no idea what that day would mean for me. You know those people who loose a limb and have phantom moments. Well I have been having those moments. The feel of a new baby in your arms, all scrunched up, the smell, and you are so important to the survival of that heaven sent baby. I can just feel him. We went to the temple the other day for my sisters first time. I know that he was there cause I couldn't help but cry. I wanted to be happy but part of me is still longing for him. The doctors say that I am fine after all the test I had done and that there had to be something wrong with logan. That is so hard, no answers. Not to mention all the bills I have now!! $1400.00 to be exact!! Their are a lot of other thing I could do with that much money. How about a vacation!!
Well I have been really trying to loose weight. I have lost 7 pounds,Not much but its a start. I have already gone down a size in my jeans. So I have alot to be happy for. I love my life, my kids, my awesome husband. I hate to be sad so am glad to replace May 1st for a happy day, my sister bridal shower. Young love!! I am so excited for her and the choices she has made, and to watch her grow up to be a awesome woman.
We had family pictures taken with JJ's family and this is one of my favorite!

Today

I found this poem today and it really says things that I don't know how to express. We went to the dr in Tucson again. I don't know why that every time I go to TMC my heart skips a beat and I just want to cry and run in and ask for my baby back. Crazy Huh. Well we are finding out that I don't have any blood clot disorder and maybe there was something wrong with logan's chromosomes and he would have struggled in life had he made it. I know that heavenly father has a plan, His plan, and we are just part of it. He is preparing for something big in heaven and I am so glad to be somewhat apart of it in some way.

My butterfly By Kimberly de Montbrun

I long to feel the soft weight of you
to welcome you home, with kisses
on silky round cheeks.


Instead my arms ache with the
weight of your absence,
the empty places that were meant for you
to grow into.


My love for you will last an eternity.
My hopes and dreams now carried
on the fragile wings of each butterfly passing
compelling me to pause,
to savor each moment,


each flutter in my heart,
your wings.

Happenings

So we have had alot going on. Which has been good for me. I still have those good and bad days. More good than bad. When May comes I don't know how things will be. Its been hard seeing people pregnant and knowing that it isn't happening to me. We went to the dr in Tucson that delivered logan and she has done alot of research on hellp syndrome and why it happened to me. She thinks I have a blood clotting disorder, and that is why my blood pressure went so bad. So I had alot of test done and we go back in 2 weeks to get the results. Justin has also been so busy, he had his 10th birthday! I cant.
believe he is growing up so fast. He also had pine wood derby for the last time and he had to go and win 1st!!
Pine wood derby finals here we come! Well the mountain had lots of snow this year and
so we made the trek up and had so much fun. JJ's sister and her family, and his brother and his family and mom came The kids had so much fun, till it was all over and the wet clothes had to come off. Gosh it was cold on the toes.

Well we have alot coming up to. My baby sister is getting married in may and that we are looking forwards to. Plus I have to fit into a brides maid dress, so you know what that means, DIET!!! Wish me luck!! Kashlee's birthday, and some fun things for her.

The big "33"

Today is my sweet husbands birthday. We have been the same age for the couple of weeks and now he's the older one. I love him so much. I stand by his side at all times forever. I hope this year is a good one for you. Love ya

Hellp Syndrome

Well I has taken me a while to get to a place where I can talk about what has happened. Well you all know that me and JJ have to do invitro to help our family grow, so last Aug. we went down that very time consuming, expensive, and exciting journey. We found out that we were expecting and due in may. We were so excited and couldn't wait. We then found out that we were having twins and then found out that we lost one at 6 weeks. Well I had started having blood pressure problems at about 10 weeks and I was just keeping a close eye on it. Well at about 16 weeks I got strep, and my BP got really high, so they put me on BP meds. So on Monday before thanksgiving me and my friend took kashlee to the dr in mesa for the day. I woke up that morn. With a headache and my BP high. I went anyways to mesa since we only see these dr's once a year. Well we got home and I was so wiped out. I woke up at about 2:30 in the morning and could tell something wasn't right with me. My BP was 200/120! Me and JJ got in the car and headed to the hospital. After about 7 hours of not being able to get things under control because I was having preeclampsia they said that I would have to have the baby, and that they where sending me to Tucson, because in safford they couldn't take care of me. I had developed a conditon called !Hellp syndrome that is where your liver, kidneys, and platelets go crazy and start shutting down. They said that if I had waited any longer I wouldn't have made it. So they put me on a helicopter and flew me to Tucson to TMC. The dr's were wonderful. I had the baby on Tuesday night, We had a little boy, who we named Logan Lee Alder, he weighed 3.5 oz, and was 6.5 inches. We stayed there for 4 days and then we got to go home. I still was having problems with my BP. We have seen the dr's and they say that they are not sure why this happened or if it will happen again.
So that make us nervous and unsure about our future. I am still on BP meds. I have my good days and my bad ones. Things are getting easier. We are tying to get back to normal, or what ever that is. Justin had a hard time and kashlee is just too little to understand what happened. The nurses made foot prints of his little feet and so I put them in a picture frame with his name to remember him by. But we are grateful for what we understand, about the Plan of Salvation and our saviors plan for us. This has brought our family closer and put our life into perspective and whats important. I am truly blessed, And know that I am loved. Thank you everybody for your love and support. We love you

Love!

Today is my 11th anniversary!! We have been through so much these past years. I am so glad that we did it together. I love him so much and cant picture my life without him, He's the best!!